One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
