my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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