I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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