I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
