Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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