God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
