I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
