At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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