i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
