Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
