I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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