I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
