I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
