so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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