you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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