I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Pants are for mortals
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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