9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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