I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The adults are the big ones right?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
