A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
