Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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