I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
