I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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