I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
