She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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