When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Found your dick twin last night
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
