Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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