I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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