you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
