I wish I could punch you in the face.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
