help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
