The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
