I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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