Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
