i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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