Whatcha textin bout Willis?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
