is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
