dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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