I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
