he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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