I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
