this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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