we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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