I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
