i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
