I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
