I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
