Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
