i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
