I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
