I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
