Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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